As a student in my first year of university, having completed my HSC last year I think I have a lot to say about my experience. I know a lot of people talk about that year being the most difficult and perhaps at some point we realise it never really ends. This race to get the next best thing. It’s this mentality that I will be happy once I get into my dream school and then once you do it I will be happy once I get into my dream course, but once you do it I will be happy once I get my dream job, but once you do it I will be happy once I get a promotion. It’s always the next best thing. So when will we be happy?
When I was in year 4 it was all about doing well in OC, did I want to move schools? No. But I did it anyway to make my parents happy. In year 6, it was all about getting into the best high school. At this point, I had some interest in my future but as much as it was about getting into my dream school it was also about making my parents proud. I could never forget that car ride on the way home from class when I opened my selective results to find that I got my second choice of school. I remember Amma had nothing really to say, I could tell she was disappointed, I was too but I think it hurt more that after a year of agonizing over this test I still wasn’t good enough. I almost made it but just not quite enough. As a 12 year old, I thought I was a failure, I thought I was less than I was because of the system that constantly tore me down, through the ranking systems and people telling me I wasn’t good enough to achieve my dreams.
This was until I went to high school and got the best mark in my class for math and I realised just maybe, I wasn’t so stupid anymore. It was at this point that I thrived off the academic validation I got from people at school. The way everyone told me I was smart so I worked harder and harder to prove to everyone that I was good enough, When I moved to the selective school that I never even dreamed I could possible get into as a 12 year old, I wasn’t the smartest anymore and I realized how much my environment pulled at me like strings. The way that being in an environment that pulled me up dragged me higher and one where I had lost my identity pulled me down. It definitely challenged me and probably left me with a higher ATAR but internally I struggled more than I ever have before.
I’ve always tried to prove myself to do better to make my parents proud and most importantly to make myself proud. I’ve always had a dream for my future that I wholeheartedly believed in until about a year ago. It was a dream my parents agreed with and because of it, built these extremely high expectations I wasn’t sure I could live up to. When I was in year 12, It wasn’t the studying or the time management or even the exams that were all that difficult, It was dealing with the voices in my ear and controlling the voices in my head. I tried my best not to listen to my peers talking about what rank would ensure that they get their dream degree or their dream uni, i tried not to listen when people would predict their atar, I tried not to listen when I was told my dreams may be too far off, I tried not to listen when my parents thought I wasn’t working hard enough even though I did the best I could. But that wasn’t the hardest part. The hardest part was silencing the voices in my head that repeated ‘don’t let them down’ ‘dont let yourself down’ ‘work harder’ ‘maybe you can’t do it’ ‘maybe you’re not good enough’ till one day I believed it didn’t matter how much I tried I was never going to get my first choice. I accepted my fate or rather my identity that I wasn’t naturally talented, I was just a hard worker and someone who needs more time than what I can get and I have to convince myself that’s okay.
Getting an atar that would allow me to do everything but the one thing I actually wanted left me wondering what I really wanted. I think in year 12 it was eventually just a game of getting to the end so that I can finally take a break from this mental struggle, disappointment and confusion. But now that I can think about it and my parents’ voices out loud and in my head have not stopped, it forces me to wonder whether my dreams really were mine or were they just a projection of what my parents wanted for me. Now, I’m simply lost because with all the noise, I can’t seem to hear myself.
So what do I have to say? As much as guidance for kids is necessary, from a very young age I grew up with the sole purpose of satisfying my parents with everything I did and seeking validation to prove to myself that I was good enough. But I think at some point everyone realises that the point of life is not to live for the happiness of others but to live for your own happiness but at what cost? For a lot of parents in our community, the only acceptable career is a doctor, lawyer or engineer because apparently that’s the only way to make a living and have a responsible job that gives you status, money and stability. I believe in the world we live in today, the possibilities are endless, the richest people in the world are not doctors, lawyers and engineers but instead people who have ideas that solve problems. The people who are
smartest with their money are people who have passive streams of income as diversifying their income so that they don’t rely on one income stream. I personally believe that if I stuck to a 9 to 5 job that satisfied my parents, I would be doing myself a great disservice that not only underutilised my talents but also would suck the enjoyment and passion that you are supposed to gain from a job. Both my parents love their jobs but again I have a doctor for a dad and an engineer for a mother but quite frankly, its the only world I know but I want to know a world much bigger. The pressure many young people feel to know exactly what it is they want to do for the rest of their lives is one I know too well but also one that seems somewhat ridiculous. As my dad likes to talk about, the frontal lobe isn’t developed until people have reached their 20s. Not only that but how could I possibly have known exactly what I’m supposed to do when my entire life I was in a cocoon of asian people who strived for the exact same thing. Without knowing what the rest of the world looks like, how can an 18 year old make a decision that will dictate the rest of their life.
If there was one thing I wish I could do is stop time, just for five minutes of complete silence, just so that I can think for myself what I really want before the external influences of everyone and everything I have ever known take over like a virus rapidly spreading through my mind. Isn’t it time for us to change the way we think? Yes I know my parents worked very hard to get me and my siblings to where I am today. Yes, I know their childhood was not easy and they craved stability and status and a lot of kids feel a sense of guilt when they do not satisfy their parents because they know the sacrifices their parents have made for them. But times are different, we don’t live in a war torn country fighting for survival and there are endless ways to gain stability and I don’t believe that this community is oblivious to that fact. I know my parents know there are different ways to make an income and gain stability but I think there is one thing that lingers that leaves them continuing to pressure me. And that would be status. But for all the parents out there? Let me ask you a couple questions. Do you really know what your kids truly desire? What are your kids truly passionate about? Would you really want your kids to sacrifice their happiness, satisfaction and comfort in life just so that you can feel good about telling your friends that your child goes to med school? If you value your child’s happiness, perhaps you will think twice before you throw away their dreams and demand your own.
